365 days ago I was laboring in a tub not sure I could make it any longer. And that was before it came time to push! Labor was…. let’s just say it was hard to enjoy the moment. But once that teeny tiny baby girl came out and I got to hold her in my arms it was complete relief. She was worth it of course! Not just the 5 hours of hard labor (she was pretty easy on me comparatively), but the 9 months of nausea! I just love this baby girl! I love when she walks around with her arms hunched and jabbering at such a high pitch that only a baby girl and nails on a chalkboard can imitate. I love when she becomes shy around a stranger and snuggles into me because she trusts me in a way she trusts no one else… except maybe Morgan… I love it when we are trying to rock her to sleep and she starts to hum in the rhythmic way she does. I love it when she thinks its funny that I’m smelling her diaper to see if she is poopy. I had no idea that mommy hood revolved entirely around naptimes, poopy diapers, and squashed bananas with cheerios, but mostly naptimes! When I first held Miss Vivienne Claire in my arms I immediately felt like she was my new reason for living and I have been so very very grateful to change every poopy diapers she throws our way! Love this stinker, even when she refuses to nap!
Vivienne was lucky enough to get two birthday parties this year, and with that two birthday cakes. That’s just how it panned out. She enjoyed her cake both times, but I think she has a preference to German chocolate cake. Is that genetic???
Time for bath time.
I can’t help but reminisce this last year and how it all started. It seems only appropriate now (since I never did) to share as a record, Vivienne’s birth story. I warn you now that it is LONG, and while I left out some details that may seem TMI (too much information) for some, it is still a birth story and it will be about the birth of a baby. If that sounds TMI, then maybe don’t continue :). Happy birthday Vivienne!
On the morning of January 20th 2012 I woke up at about 3:30 am with some painful contractions. Although they were quite uncomfortable it made me happy because I had been waiting for some sign that our baby girl would come out soon. I was 40 weeks and 1 day pregnant as of that day and I figured I was just starting to experience the joys of early labor and that we would probably get to meet this little girl in the next week or so. The contractions continued, not too frequent, but frequent enough (and painful enough) that I didn’t sleep much, but mostly waited for Morgan’s alarm to go off for the second time meaning he was ready to get up for the day. I reached over and put my arm on Morgan letting him know I was awake and told him that I was feeling some uncomfortable contractions and had been mostly up since 3:30 am. He agreed it was probably the signs of early labor and we were just happy to see some progress towards real labor, even if it was still days away. As he continued to get ready for work my contractions got stronger and closer together and Morgan admitted that knowing I was having these contractions he didn’t want to go to work. I felt the same way, but they always told us to try not to get excited about early labor too much because you may feel disappointed when contractions stop. So Morgan left for work and my contractions calmed down quite a bit. So much so that I was able to go back to sleep for another four hours. I remember the contractions were present enough that they became a part of my dreams. One of my dreams being that I was on a plane and panicking because I had just realized I was too far along in my pregnancy to be flying. Duh.
Sometime after noon I woke up and tried to continue with my day as normal. Of course my “normal” day at that point was pretty much just wake up late, eat, watch TV and take care of little things around the house as they occurred to me. So my plan to continue as normal didn’t do a whole lot to distract me. I tried to eat and just breathe my way through these uncomfortable contractions while watching some program on the food channel that I was only watching because nothing else was on. Not too much later Hailey called me and wanted to stop by my place to drop some things off from Dad. I didn’t want to tell anyone I was having contractions on the premise that “a watched pot never boils” so I figured I would just try to hold in my discomfort when Hailey got here and pretend all is well. Unfortunately by the time Hailey had found her way to our apartment the contractions had become painful enough that I couldn’t just pretend they weren’t there. In fact I realized that my mindset had changed from “excited for progress” to “OK ENOUGH ALREADY” and at around 2:45 pm I sent a text message to Morgan feeling impatient for him to just get home saying, “I’m getting really sick of these contractions… I feel crappy. Sometimes it feels like the contractions don’t really relax but just hold on. And my back hurts.” Morgan responded saying, “I’m sorry… I will be home soon and maybe I can help” and then we decided on what things he could pick up from the grocery store, including some Hagen Daaz mango sorbet which I was craving at the moment. I didn’t want Morgan to have to stop anywhere along the way, but I told myself there was no real reason to rush. This was just pre-labor.
After Hailey arrived and sat down to chat with me a contraction came on that made me have to get up and walk away while breathing/humming my way down the hallway. I figured Hailey was either going to figure things out pretty quickly or think I was crazy so I told her, “Don’t tell anyone, but I’m having contractions!” I told Hailey I was keeping things quiet since I figured my contractions would stop before they progressed to actual active labor. After awhile Morgan finally came home and Hailey left. Right around then the contractions became frequent enough and painful enough that I started feeling really frustrated. I remember Morgan trying the different pressure techniques on my hips and lower back helping me through the contractions and being surprised that they were actually working and it must mean this was the “real thing.” Morgan began timing my contractions with an app on his iPhone and after about 30 minutes we found that they were averaging at least a minute long and were about 3 minutes apart. I was almost in tears, frustrated by how painful these “early labor” contractions were getting. Morgan and I agreed we should probably at least notify the midwives we were having contractions. Morgan called Becky and told her how the day had progressed and as I started having a contraction in the background Becky told Morgan she was surprised that they were already coming on that hard (I was moaning/crying loud enough for her to hear). She then advised us to call Adrienne who was the midwife on call at the time. Morgan called Adrienne and after filling her in on the day’s events and my current condition she advised us to come into the birth center as soon as possible. I remember being happy that we were going in, but at the same time I was very fearful that we would get there, my contractions would slow down and they would send us home which I didn’t want to have happen.
So Morgan packed while I walked around feeling like I was losing my mind, occasionally grabbing Morgan so I could hang on him while I moaned my way through another contraction, and we soon made our way out to the car. As we walked down the stairs of our apartment, I realized those stupid steps were throwing me into another contraction so I once again grabbed onto Morgan and tried to look as composed and normal as possible as I labored in public. Getting into the car I knew I was going to HATE the entire 30 minute drive to the Birth Center and I did. Like I had said in my text message it never really felt like the contractions went away completely and my back ached constantly. Morgan pulled out onto the main road and began accelerating to which I told him to slow down because I knew we were about to drive on uneven pavement. He wasn’t even going that fast to begin with, but this is pretty much how the entire drive went. I would yell at Morgan to stop (as if he could just stop the car in the middle of the on-ramp), I would kick the dashboard, bang my fist against the windows and verbally express my discomfort in the best ways I could think of. Of course by the time we got to I-15 we were right in the midst of 5 o’clock traffic on a Friday and I became more grumpy, if that was possible. I have to add that there was actually a stalled car stopped in the middle of the freeway that caused us to be stuck in stop and go traffic. I wanted to lean out the window and shake my fist at them as we drove by, but that sounded too cliché. It took us about 45 minutes to get to the birth center and I cursed every light that we missed especially because I kept trying to tell myself, “this is the last contraction I would have to have in this stupid car” and then we’d hit a light and I knew that meant at least one more contraction in the car. I also tried to stay aware of the hotels we passed on our way. We passed one Motel 6 and I noted to myself that they would charge $49 a night, just in case they sent us home. My logic was that there was no way in hell I was going to go through this drive more than once.
Finally we arrived at the birth center (it was around 5:30pm at this point), and of course as soon as Morgan parked the car I started another contraction and yelled at him for opening his door since it was cold outside. Poor Morgan. When that contraction ebbed I dragged my butt out of the car and Morgan helped me into the birthing room of the center where they sat me on the birth ball and began getting updates from Morgan and telling us what steps they wanted to take next. While I was sitting on the birth ball I went into another contraction and I remember being so uncomfortable on this birth ball yet I was so into the contraction that I couldn’t get up. Morgan tried to comfort me and support me the best way possible while I got really mad as if someone had forced me to sit on this ball when they should have known how uncomfortable it was going to be for me. I was overall not in a good mood. As that contraction ended I pulled myself off the ball and went face down into the bed. Morgan told them I probably wanted to get into the tub ASAP and I remember wondering if they would still make me go home after I got into the tub. They began running the water while Adrienne asked to check how dilated I was. We waited for the next contraction to end and she checked me. We were all pleasantly shocked when she announced I was about 8 cm dilated. That was the happiest I had felt since contractions had first started early that morning. I then crawled into the tub and felt my entire body relax and the contractions even slowed down a bit (which Adrienne inform us was normal). Things became so much more tolerable once I was in the water. Adrienne reminded me to breathe out the contractions (as opposed to my pathetic moans) and Renee began rubbing her palm in vigorous circles on my lower back. I was so happy and felt like everything was going to be OK and I could finally manage these contractions. Things continued along and each time a contraction would come I would get on all fours and lean my forehead on a towel draped over the edge of the tub. Blowing out the contractions knowing I was blowing into the water. This became my focus. I remember one of the ways I planned on being able to cope through the contraction was that I would visualize a peaceful location and visualize my body opening up to allow this baby to come out and I was so surprised at how hard it was for me to try to focus or visualize anything while actually going through the contractions. It made me feel that I was not as prepared for labor as I thought I was, and I was so grateful that Adrienne and Renee were there to give me advice on coping methods. During all this Morgan was so good and supportive, I could tell he wanted to help, he tried to rub my back the way Renee had been doing, but his hand just wasn’t as soft as hers and I kinda snapped at him because of it. I could tell he felt bad and she immediately rushed in to take over again, but I couldn’t help it at the time. I knew he would understand. Sometime later my hands started to go numb from being on all fours in the tub so Morgan volunteered to get into the tub as much as I needed for him to support me, but then his swim trunks smelled so strongly of chlorine I couldn’t stand it and covering his lap with a towel just made me feel like I was being suffocated. He still continued to do anything he could to help, including giving me lots of words of encouragement, placing and holding icy cold wash clothes to my forehead and neck and giving me drinks of water between contractions.
I distinctly remember the first time I thought to myself, “I can’t do this, I should get an epidural” and even though I truly started to feel like I just couldn’t do this anymore I knew those feelings of doubt meant I had reached transition and that I was that much closer to being ready to push. I really did begin to feel like I was insane for ever wanting to feel all the pain I was feeling and that I didn’t understand why women would do this to themselves more than once. I remember thinking I wanted someone else to take over at that point because I was just too tired, and this pain was far too intolerable. I didn’t think it was possible for me to finish this.
Then the urges to push started coming. At first it felt more like I knew something was there and the reflex I felt was that I wanted to push it out. I asked if I could push and Renee told me there was no need to push at that point and that I could just breathe my baby down. So I continued to breathe and tried to visualize each contraction and breathe moving the baby closer. At one point I wanted to feel how close the baby was and found that she was only about an inch and a half from crowning. This encouraged me as well. I began to find the contraction to be less intense and I could focus more easily on moving the baby down. Eventually my body began convulsing with the contractions and I knew they were involuntary pushes. It was difficult to work with them and I found myself more wanting to fight them. (Sometime around now Brita arrived at the birth center and I was happy she’d made it just in time, though I did shush her as she said her hello’s to everyone). The convulsive pushes I found to be the most uncomfortable yet and I found myself offering silent prayers for a 10 minute break so that I could just sleep, I was so tired! I told Adrienne what I was feeling and her and Renee reminded me that it was ok to try to put off pushing for a few of these contractions, but eventually I had to let my body do what it was ready to do and push with the convulsions. I remember crying, looking at Adrienne and telling her I couldn’t do it. The thought of pushing the head through what I knew was a small opening would be more painful than anything I’ve ever felt. She was very sympathetic, but told me she knew I could do it. She told me that when she had last check me my body had felt soft, relaxed and slippery. It sounds so odd to say, but I found that very reassuring. From this point forward I vocally reassured myself that I knew I could open up and that I wasn’t going to care about the pain in my back anymore (It just felt like too many things to worry about with the intense back pain and the intense pain in my perineum as I pushed). I thought of the movie The Business of Being Born and how the woman says you eventually find yourself between a rock and a hard place and your options are either that you will stay pregnant forever (mind you I was saying prayers that the contractions would just stop) or that you have to push that baby out. I decided I would just try to let my body take over and stop being scared. I sat straight up on my knees, pressed my arms into my legs and held my breath with the pushing convulsions like Adrienne told me to. I began to feel the head crowning and it hurt like crazy. I felt a pop inside me and Adrienne told me it was probably my water breaking. I felt for her head and could feel the bulge of her head coming through. I was positive this poor baby would come out with a cone head. I decided when the next contraction came that if I was going to do this then I was going to just give it all I had. I held my breathe and pushed as hard as I could. It seems the next thing that happened was the baby’s head just popped out. In my mind it seemed like it happened instantaneously, which is funny because I had told Adrienne while I was expressing my fears of pushing her out that I wanted the baby’s head to just pop out, I figured the less time her head spent in my vaginal opening the less painful it would be, I would deal with any resulting tears afterward. Adrienne had told me that this was not how it would likely happen, so we were both surprised when it did. I reached down and touched my baby’s head. I was too disoriented by the experience to remember feeling any facial features or ears, but I do remember feeling her hair and suddenly she became so very real! This was more than feeling her move in my belly or seeing the ultrasound, she was actually there. I was actually having this baby. Finally that last contraction came and I pushed the rest of her body out. This was the most wonderful feeling ever. Not only was my baby here, but I was DONE WITH LABOR!!!! The contractions seemed to just stop, I felt like I could finally rest and I couldn’t have cared less that the tub was full of bloody water. Adrienne lifted the baby up into my arms (I think I was too in shock to do it myself) and I held her in my arms. I couldn’t believe how small she was!!! And I remember saying, “that’s my baby” and something along the lines of “she’s real.” I was also quite surprised that she had little to no vernix on her. She was so clean and so sweet. I just wanted to give her kisses. Adrienne told me to just lay back and lean up against Morgan while she cleared the baby’s throat and nose. As she did this the baby let out a cry and started turning pink (she had been a purple color when she first came out). Since she sounded like she still had quite a bit of fluid in her lungs Adrienne had to use this tube suction contraption which she stuck high up each nostril and deep down her throat to clear the fluid. Baby girl cried more and it was just so unreal. I held her to my breast and I remember everything just seemed so surreal and I was so happy! I remember seeing and feeling her umbilical cord and I couldn’t believe that it was real. I watched as Morgan cut the cord and they handed her off to him so that I could deliver the placenta. I had been unsuccessful at pushing out the placenta while laying back in the tub holding her so they told me it would be best if I could get out of the water. When I had laid down on the bed I was finally able to focus and push out the placenta which I am grateful to say it seemed to gush out almost painlessly. I did however still have quite a few membranes that were still connected to the uterine wall and were not coming out on their own. Adrienne informed me that since they were so large she would have to remove them herself by hand. Mind you those membranes she was removing by hand were attached to the uterine wall… I felt like a cow. If she wasn’t successful we would have to be transferred to the hospital for their removal. I was given an IV of antibiotics and then an IV of saline while she did this. I honestly believe the best possible distraction you could give a person while doing something so painful is letting them hold their new baby. While she pulled out the membranes and then stitched me up (I had quite a few tears internally) I remember just looking at our baby. She was just so cute it was the perfect distraction (not to say I didn’t notice the pain and wanted to push Adrienne away a few times).
After they finished stitching me up they measured and weighed our baby girl. We all knew she was small and had our guesses on her weight. I thought she would have been maybe 6 lbs, I had no idea I just knew she was small. Adrienne guessed she was probably more like 5 lbs and we were all surprised when she weighed in at 4 lbs 15 ½ oz. We figured she was probably 5 lbs even when she was born, but since she had passed her first meconium she had probably shed about a ½ oz. She was born at 8:17 pm and we ended up leaving the birth center at about 3 am. At this point the only person in our families that knew we’d had a baby was Brita. It was so late we decided to call all our family in the morning, except my Mom. I called my Mom and talked to her briefly about the experience. It was so exhilarating to have our baby girl in the car with us and to be on our way home. Morgan and I enjoyed talking about the entire experience for the next several days. Two days later we decided on the name Vivienne Claire and told all our family and friends, and then of course posted it on Facebook (after 2 people had already announced it on Facebook before we’d had a chance).
I can’t get enough of Vivienne. I just love looking at her face, her little tiny fingernails, and her skinny little legs and arms. (When I told my Mom Vivienne was born at 4 lbs 15 oz and 19 inches long my Mom joked that she sounded like a super model baby). Vivienne is the most beautiful baby to ever be born. I might be bias, but I completely believe it. Even when she keeps us up all night long it still melts my heart just to look at her.
Sorry, I really didn’t get the best pictures of Vivienne’s face. She was swaddled in big blankets or nursing in most of the pictures.
